i am the suck

i am the suck

i used to maintain a site for the praise team and hosted the server in the employee colo... and have been meaning to put it back online for nearly 6 months now. i don't know what is keeping me from taking the time to put the thing back online.

i am the suck

i have been cycling through different scenarios in my mind on how to put the server back online (home dsl networked to the basement, sharing a colo cab with a friend, putting the site on another server, or quit) but something always seems to come up.

i am beginning to question if this was something that i was doing for myself, or for God. was it my effort to get attention and try and use it as a tool to make myself look good, or to help the members of the praise team in their efforts to practice and learn new songs.

i found myself not practicing as much when i was doing the website becuase i was assuming that by doing the postings, the chords and lyrics would automagically lock into my brain... but i had scripted most of that out, so i was just cutting nad pasting once i had a decent number of songs added.

i am the suck

i was reading hebrews 6:11-12

11We want each of you to show this same diligence to the very end, in order to make your hope sure. 12We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised.

recently... i have the feeling that i am getting lazy in my walk... going to church, practicing, reading and reflecting on the Word, speaking truth.

i think that a lot of it has to do with my workload (real and self imposed) and health issues. shortly after starting at my new job, the senior sysadmin left, leaving me to do all of the systems and network administration. i was able to get a friend from my other job to come over and he took some of the load off. that is going to change as he was given the opportunity to go back to his old job and he accepted... leaving me to run solo again.

as for my health... i am in limbo (something i can't do) in becoming bionic with the spinal neurostimulator implant. insurance is the suck.



i have many people that are praying for me... for healing, for growth, for care of my family... yet i find it hard sometimes to pray for myself. i am pretty sure that God answered my prayer about where my health situation is going.. and that physical healing was not in the plans for this life. mentally i am ok with that and have accepted that God's will is different than the desires of those that pray for my healing.

• am i being lazy by blocking the 'blessing' by being steadfast in my acceptance of being ill?
• am i being lazy about trying to pray harder for healing?
• am i being lazy about crying out louder for healing?
• am i being lazy in my preperation for/to worship and praise?
• am i being lazy in my greatfulness in everything else that i have ... other than my health?
• am i being lazy by using my health as an excuse to not spend time... precious time with my family?
• am i being lazy by allowing my health issues to make me a caustic person to be around?
• am i being lazy about my song writing by keeping it to myself or locked in a notepad?
• am i being lazy by alllowing health issues get in the way of being a good husband to my long suffering wife?
• am i being lazy by alllowing health issues get in the way of being a good father to my 2 wonderful kids?
  

i put my diligence into being the best worker because it gives me a sense of worth, a sense that i am doing my all to provide for my family, and because staring at a laptop at 2am helps dull the pain. which again begs the question.. why am i able to be diligent in certain things and not others.

i are the suck??? yeah... i r the suck